MonkMojo's 1000 Cuts

I have made an exciting new “Thought to Text™” technological breakthrough that has enabled me to record my actual thoughts and non-thoughts. Today I unveil to the world for the first time a transcript of one of my deep meditation sessions.

[CAUTION: This Thought to Text™ transcript is uncensored. If you are squeamish about the human condition, please click away now.]

START : Thought to Text™ TRANSMISSION:

OK, here I am meditating. I’m so pumped up for this session!!!1! I just know I’m gonna break on through to the other side this time. I got a feeling enlightenment is going to be cool, enlightened dudes get all the hot babes. I know somehow, someway this meditation is going to lead to more money for me. Everybody in abundance-land doesn’t care about money because I know they have a hidden stash somewhere. There is probably a secret enlightened ATM cash machine with lots of clouds around it and a rainbow over the top of it. I can’t wait until a wise old voice sends me my PIN number in the mail.

<space between thoughts>

Oh shit, I better focus on my breath. Hmm, perhaps too many onions in that tuna fish and baloney sandwich. My stomach seems to have an issue with it as well. I need to become one with the acid reflux. Ahhh, the warm breeze of a giant burp gently caressing my nostrils. From the bottom of my heart I’m glad that was not a fart. LOL, I should use that in a blog post someday.

<awkward space between thoughts>

My butt is starting to go numb; this meditation is obviously starting to kick in. I’m letting go of my attachment to my ass.  I can’t wait to tell those jerks at work how enlightened I am. Who the hell are they to tell me I need to increase my meds?! And if it wasn’t for my shitty childhood, I wouldn’t need the medications in the first place!

OK, back to the present-FREAKIN’-moment. Whoa, my feet are turning purple now. I’m cultivating awareness, and different colors!  I wonder if this is the part where I should try to block out my constant thoughts of worry, fear, disappointment and anxiety. I feel a panic attack coming on at the very thought of letting that much go all at once. Now that last thought I just thought is making me feel guilty and ashamed. This meditation is turning into a mental mindscrew.

Get a grip, man. You are too far into this to back out now. Make friends with your panic attack; maybe give it a name like, Fred. OK. Hi Fred, my mom said I can’t come out to play right now. When I get done meditating we can go throw rocks at cars or whatever, call me.

< inner healing process between thoughts>

Oh dear, I think I feel like fondling myself. This is not the right time to show loving kindness and compassion to myself. I must fight the urge! I need to just think about Oprah over and over for a few minutes; bikini Oprah, naked Oprah, Oprah on top…

<terrifying space between thoughts>

…whew, close call. This spiritual work isn’t easy, and quite frankly it is getting a little tiresome. This is so going to become a nap when this meditation session is finally over.

<empty space between thoughts>

Holy crap! I think I’m not thinking. I wonder if thinking that counts as a thought? Ah hell, I probably just lost 50 karma points for thinking that. I’m gonna have to do the dishes tonight to cover for that.

<now transcending the concept of clarity itself, the Gap!>

What in the HELL is that loud banging noise!?1

END : Thought to Text™ TRANSMISSION:
...

Learn more about meditation:


Evelyn Lim  -  Five Hindrances to a Successful Meditation
(hint: MoMo went 5 for 5)
Also see  -  Experiencing the Gap: The Space Between Thoughts


John Rocheleau - Little Buddha Walking

Also See: Mary Jaksch's - How to Start Meditating: 10 Important Tips


Now a special message from Oprah:

“Hi everybody! I finally talked MonkMojo into appearing on my show! (On the condition that I don’t sit too close to him.) Mark August 17th on your calendar, check local listings for times. Everyone in the studio audience will receive a MonkMojo Tshirt @ 10% off!”